Opera and other stuff

Well it has come a shocking realisation to me that I am getting old...
If it isn't bad enough the whole tooth incident of a dew months ago... now, as I am working a bit with the Israeli Opera, they invited me to watch they latest opera... and well... I enjoyed it... What is wrong with me? I mean I really had a nice time. I guess it didn't hurt that it was 1.50 so that is short and that it was modern yet, song-able... but still... it wasn't at any moment painful or boring... so of course the only logical thing to conclude is that I am getting old... I guess this also falls nicely into my age 30 depression that I have officially began 2 weeks ago...
An in regards to my final graduation film that I will not be making for the moment... and lets face, probably no time in the future either... let's just say I feel like a complete failure, and so disappointed in myself that I would rather not even probe into to it too much... The fact that the university were fuckers in the matter, should have been known to me, and as I was told very bluntly by many people. A. It was ultimately my decision... (I decided to put an end to the torture of not knowing what their response was after 10 months)
B. There were people that would not have done that too.... and I was not fighting hard enough...
And so, it occurs to me this fine Saturday morning that I am a very weak and stubborn person, on the one hand with a great drive for self destruction on the other... This of course leaves much to be desired... If I only believed that therapy could help... If I only believed anything could help... If I only believed in anything...
This email may sound morbid, but actually, besides the fact I am on the verge of crying most of the time, I actually feel pretty much okay... I am a very strange person. I just hope I don't die alone! (remember 30 year crisis)
Peace out.