"I started a joke..."

You know that song

"I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying
Oh but I didn’t see
That the joke was on me...oh no..
And I started to cry
Which started the whole world laughing
Oh if I’d only seen
That the joke was on me
And I looked at the skies
Running my hands
Over my eyes
And I fell out of bed
Cursing my head
For things that I’ve said
Till I finally died
Which started the whole world living
Oh if I’d only seen
That the joke was on me"

Well, today, I understood what that meant... the absurdity of it all... how foolish I have been... and I realise all this stuff... and along with that, I realise I have nothing to do about anythihng...
I want to get away... I want to leave and never come back, I want to detach from society... a society that doesnt want me anyways... so I am not worried...
I don't know, it's like I get these moments of clarity, all of a sudden, where I am just like sitting organizing my videos... yes, I still have videos, still use them for recording stuff off the tv
and I go like,"ah... ok... now I understand... so, what you really meant to say, that time ago, was actually, so and so, and not literaly what you said... (that was a failed attempt at trying to verbally describe a retroactive acklowledgment of occurances...)

Anyways, so like today, while washing my new place it hit me... something pretty annoying about communication between people.... like, if say for example, you want to tell somebody, that he/she are a peice of shit, wouldn't it just be easier, for everybody, if they just told them? Because, say said person didn't get it, thik head, or delayed reactions due to an over active defense mechanism, that you were telling them that they are shits... so like, they continue a certain way of behaving... never knowing... being set up... set up I tell you! because had they known, they may have even stopped hanging out with those people, or if they wanted to, change their behavior... but no...... set up is better. So basically today, like about 11 years ago... (another story for a letr time) I realise "what happened if everythign you ever though bad about yourself, were true, people really do think you are an annoyance, a burden, a social misfit... yes... FUN!!!

So like, certain people of me "Crew" have issues with me... aparently, I fell depressed at the wrong time in their life's shedual, and they didn't like it... so... they reassured me, that it is ok to bitch, but the matter is in fact a timing thing, really. Now, it occurs to me, thinking about it... that maybe, actually, they have been scheeming behind my back for more than the time, so called alloted for my "misbehavior"... I am talking years people... years... and I got all emotionaly kvetched for haveing been "not myself" since I got back from Europe last summer... (away at film festivals in europe all summer long, could not have been more of a student type summer, the best, drunk drunk in the sun, movies, life, well, almost, and met great great people, that seemed to really like and apreciate me... for who I am... and not thinking of me, aparently for years now that I am a freeloader, an emotional cripple, a reject, but mostly, people that really seemed to just accept me for who i was, and not try to impose upon me their rules and regualtions, the Israeli manual for the upper middle class of how I must live my life... Jesus, the steps, the right way and the wrong way of doing things... )

Ehhhhh

This has just turned into what I dont want it to become, a diary... I want to share in my thoughts, not dwell upon pain...

Never mind... whatever... I have a sense of humor... I promise... just not today!!!

p.s. - a film I co-edited shown on TV tonight, a film I edited shown on BBC2 last week... Primetime people, primetime...

tfu hamsa, hamsa tfu