The Rules, MFA, Frenkle and other Animals

Well I guess this is a special time in my life. As always...
I am in the midst of my 30th anniversary crisis. Actually have a few months till my 30th b'day, but I am preparing... I am graduating from my MFA, finally, subsequently, I am also not going to return to my teaching position at the Tel Aviv University... (Where under achievement is encouraged on all levels.)
It is a shame that it had to end this way, but I guess that it had to end some time and well, maybe I was being greedy by wanting to have it all, a graduation film, a teaching position, an editing career, my youth... and as everything came crashing down like a deck of cards, in my mind I was wronged... I was prevented from making my grad film, basically in so many words black mailed... The message sent out was something like "Either you fight to make your film, at the risk of not graduating... or, just do us all a favor and graduate... don't make your film, but graduate... you have done enough and we don't want to support your artistic aspirations..." Of course in the honesty of full disclosure, non of this was actually said to me, but the antagonistic forces trying to prevent, delay, postpone and make difficult were so fierce that really, retreat was my only option...
Sometimes I wish I had to courage to be a kamikaze... like say to all "Fuck you, and you are shits and so forth and to hell with the politics and decorum." It has come to my attention that in any case people don't respect people who allow others to step all over them... so why not be honest and truthful, make people chase you, want you, and if not, well, they weren't interested to begin with... so what is the point?!
But you see, I was raised in a place where "you speak when you are spoken to" and even though it is 20 years since I have been to that place, Australia, the effect of that type of message aka "you are nothing and not important and have no meaning, and a burden etc.," leaves it marks years later... and so, as I grow older the feeling of being a burden on society, my family and friends doesn't let go and it keeps nagging on me much like I feel I am nagging on them... Stupid ha?
Well, anyway, it is all for the best and as it turned out apparently another film, exactly like mine, Shit Giest as I have come to reffer to it, was being made at another school a couple of months before mine, and well, was screened at the Cannes Film Festival, this would have surely damaged my chances of being accepted with my film at the Cannes Film Festival the year after...
So, I must learn to put that thing behind me and even though I have accepted it, it still pains me... just feeling like a failure and there isn't much that anybody can tell me that makes me feel better in this aspect.

In other news... well my crisis has brought me to read "The Rules - Everything You Need to Know to Capture Mr. Right" basically, as they put it, and I am paraphrasing "This is a book for women who want to get married." Actually I am committing a mortal sin by talking about it as rule number 20 or something, is "Don't talk about The Rules", much like Fight Club... only it is not the 1st rule... Now, the thing is that waking up from an emotional coma at the age of 29 is all good and well, but you see waking up and then realizing that you are old and your womb is rotting and your chances in succeeding in life are becoming slim, ever so slim... and what man will want an aging crow that has lost her youth... well, let me just say, it is a terrible day when that is what you realize... Not that I am morbidly obsessed about this all the time, but only some of the time... and well, mostly all of the time... like for example yesterday was my good friends' birthday dinner, needless to say I was the only single person sitting at the table... but even worse... there were 4, count them, 1, 2, 3, 4, babies around that table... who brings babies to a mid week dinner, no babysitters, what? Maybe I am contradicting myself from before, but I don't care you see, I am into making myself feel comfortable and well, 4 crying babies 5 couples and myself around the table... makes one, even with the strongest character, want to shoot ones self in the brain... so yeah...
On the other hand... I have this strong feeling that everything will be okay... but then I get stressed out and think, well, maybe I am just living in a fantasy and that in actuality nothing will be okay... It comes down to this again, if I only believed in therapy... I want Rhonda from the "Starting over House" to be my coach... she is cool, she gets people's shit together.

And on that note, I would like to end with a quote a passage that I read last night as I was going to sleep and and that inspired me greatly, and I couldn't believe it and my heart just fluttered as I read these lines... and actually, it really uplifted my soul in a way... I think that is the reason I didn't sleep all night... I was just too energized... now that I think of it.
I will paraphrase as I am reading in in Hebrew... and cannot find it online at the moment... It is from "A Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frenkle, as he tells of his experience in the death camps during the 2nd world war...

"... This was the first time that I saw the Truth as was sung by so many poets, as was described by so many of the great thinkers, the hight of wisdom.
The Truth - that Love is the final and most noble goal that a man can aspire to. At that moment I was on the verge of discovering the deepest secret that mans poems and mans thought and faith could ever discover - Man is carried by Love and with Love..." V Frenkle