Ok, so 4 years ago I had an idea for a film... it would be my graduation project, intellectual, intertextual, post modern... all the big words that we like... it would be a journey that the protagonist makes... bla bla bla through films... great idea... one that I still reserve to do in the future, so don't go and steal my ideas... but then, for some reason things were'nt going the way I had hoped and now, I am writing this script which is anything but... funny, easy going, light...
Now today I had me a meeting with the head of our dept, and actually truth be told, I was hoping he would just let sleeping dogs lay and just leave me be to do my thing... for some strange reason he actually read the draft of the script that I sent him, and now he got me going in all directions... He made a pretty bold statement regarding what he thinks I need to be doing with the script, and he said to stop being naive and say what it is I am trying to say... providing I have the guts to do that... now, the thing is, that I am a person of undertones and passive aggressiveness... I am not a full on in your face type person (at least I don't think I am) and so I am not so sure that I want to be saying what it is he thinks I should be saying, and perhaps I feel better with saying a half baked statement, illusive because there is no such thing as real and absolute truth... you can hate something and love it at the same time... like my attitude toward the kibbutz, which I am writting about in my script... and when you say something too conclusive there is no turning back... maybe my character wants to keep her options open?
Now, I am in a cobufle, for I fear he will not approve the script as is... I can of course write what it is he wants me to write, and then do what ever I want... But basically, I want to be left alone with this project for the moment. I just want to figure out where such anger and hate came from, and am I really ready for what I see as complete and total rejection of society... by me... Will I finally understand that I am not a part, and can never be or feel like I belong?
Everybody wants to belong to something, people also want to survive... but my character, in my script, belongs to nothing... she is a survivor, and I was hoping for a better future for her, perhaps some other place... she is free as she is "released" at the end of the script by a society that didn't want her to begin with... By not confronting them on what they did, and just letting it go... what is she really doing? They have no conflict... because they want to kick her out, and she is giving them all the justification they need. But, what is her gain by telling them what happened, and then being kicked out...? I think it is the trixy audiences that may want to get all down and dirty, but I am really not sure it is in her best interests as I a character... I mean, causing pointless pain to herself? Why? So he told me, if she doesn't tell them what happened, she is like some Joan of Arc or something... sacrificing her self etc... I don't think so... I mean, I am not sure at all...
Now, to make matters worse.... and here I am touching the point that I feel is probably the most important one for now... that is, when he was done with what he had to say, he just got up and went to the door. By doing so, of course invited me to leave... I of course felt humiliated beyond comprehension... of course, again, even though, this ugly behavior was done to me, like my character, I thanked him for dedicating the time... and left... feeling like shit, feeling awful... now, I was there 50 minutes, and although I realize that he is a busy man, I think that he could have just been more sensitive, and polite and said something along the lines of "Tov, ok, so how about you think about that, and we shall talk about it in a later time..." so he didn't and I just feel like a shmuck.
Jee, I wonder why ut is I feel like I am a burden? Why my entire existance I feel that people don't want me around, or even if they are willing to put up with me, given any other alternative, would rather be some place else...
I just hope he signs off on the project and gives me the meager duckets owed to me! I dot want to talk to him about the script again...
Remind again, why is it that I am not writing a romantic comedy?
I hate everything and want to die... :) again...
3 comments:
ill be damned if one wooden-legged mine-faced prepotent and might i say impotent knows shit about what you meant and who your character should be. my mom once told me "only listen to advice given by people you admire". do you admire this lowlife who has made a name for himself by killing the last creativity left in a faculty full of students who once had dreams but cant even remember what they were? what you need from him is a lot less than what you think. really. if he really wants you to say want you need to say you should just tell him hes a fuckin asshole.
*applause*
Mami.
Maybe you can talk to me and tell me what he said?
I will be happy to think with you - what was a good advise and what came out of his mouth cause his dick is too short to make him feel like a man.
What do you say?
Send me your phone number if you want me to call.
neshikot,
Adi.
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